he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
