there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
