I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
