I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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