it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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