when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
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like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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