2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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