I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's Friday. Sex?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
