Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
