I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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