I looked at my own cervix.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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