Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
