The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
