A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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