Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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