I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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