Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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