I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
