it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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