he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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