I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
