You know, be my cock's hype man.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
