We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
