Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
