can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration