I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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