Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
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we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
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well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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