Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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