3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize