On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
