my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
