I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
