she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
