my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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