sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
