One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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