look no pants
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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