Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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