ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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