Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
