On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I am never drinking with the goths again.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
