i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
