This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
