I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
