More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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