can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
