when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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