I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be right there i have to get my cape
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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