I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
