Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
