why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
