im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
